When getting into the transport to leave, Blue handed me a letter as he hugged me goodbye. He told me it was something he'd originally written for me all those years ago when we parted ways after Travis' death, and he'd been intending to give it to me sooner, but never got the chance. I tucked it into my bag as I told him I'd read it when I had some privacy again, and he bowed his head in that way of his people to indicate he understood. Another tight hug, and we parted ways again. I watched him through the window on the transport, as long as I could before he became an indistinguishable little speck in the sea of blue people, then had settled in for the trip back to the Shingen.

Horrible and easily distracted that I am, I'd forgotten about the letter until Spiegel told me today that he'd disabled the bugs th'Shan had in my quarters. Spiegel just laughed at me when I expressed surprised, and a little anger, that the bastard would bug my quarters. When he explained that they'd likely been there for years now, and used to spy on any number of occupants who'd had my quarters before me, I calmed down a little. Spiegel also explained that a good ninety-something percent of the ship was bugged this way, and that by using one of the borg bugs he'd picked up when sweeping that room in the restaurant on Andor, he now had control of the bug network. I laughed when he admitted that other than disabling the bugs in his quarters and mine, he left the network otherwise undisturbed so that the bastard wouldn't know the difference, but now he can spy on the bastard as the bastard spies on everyone else. When I commented it was nice to have my privacy again, even though I hadn't realized I was missing it before, I was reminded of my promise to Blue to read the letter.

When I made it back to my quarters later, I dug the letter out of the hidden pocket I'd slipped it into and settled down with Delilah in my lap to read it. It was a short letter, though it said and explained a lot. Andorians have a natural way with words, their language is full of subtleties and grace that a lot of species can't even imagine. Blue, having spent a significant amount of his time cooped up in that little cargo ship with Travis and I, had the advantage of having gained a similar mastery in English that most of his people don't have the patience to learn. Most people, humans especially, seem to assume that Andorians are rough, lacking a sense of humor, but often it's just that it doesn't translate well.

The letter boiled down to this: He felt Travis' lost as deeply and painfully as I had, that he had loved both of us. Knowing this now, some of his actions, some of the things he said, all those years ago, make so much more sense. I had always wondered why he hadn't been there for me during my haze, my initial mourning period. Why I had woken from my deepest depression alone at Starfleet Academy, instead of with my dear friend. I know he'd shunned his people, and a loveless bond, because the idea offended him, that he felt it betrayed the true soul of his people. One could not be whole if one did not love their bond. Finding and losing that bond, being reminded how fleeting life is sometimes, this made him realize he was being selfish, that is what drove him to his homeworld to produce children.

He's certainly coped with the loss of Travis better than I. I assumed it was because the loss wasn't as deep for him, but now I think it's just because he's better adjusted than I, allowed himself to let people inside. His bond may be a loveless one, but there is a love there for the children that resulted, and while his zh'yi may have neglected the bond once the child bearing was done, he at least seems to have a solid and trusting friendship with his other bond mates. Since the loss of Travis, the only person I've let even remotely close is Toby, and even him I keep at arm's length to some degree since he too hurt me by running off on me for those years.

When I returned to the party with the blood wine, I found Toby up on the stage making an ass of himself. He didn't see it as making an ass, he saw it as fun, but he was singing Elvis songs to a room full of people who shouldn't have been aware he was on ship. It took some doing to get him past the security checkpoints and get a visitor's pass so close to ship departure, and he was crashing a party. Apparently his audience was enjoying his antics, as they seemed disappointed when I yanked him off the stage.

While he and I were discussing this mess, he managed to challenge me to sing something myself in some twisted argument about how I couldn't understand why he was doing it. As Spiegel has always been kind enough to have a random selection of things loaded into his mobile emitter that lives in his pocket, I was able to find something I could sing. I would have been happier with some opera or something, but it didn't suit the mood of the party, and Spiegel's never been one for opera anyways. Instead, I found a Nightwish song, the first one Travis played for me when he introduced me to the band, Wish I Had an Angel.

Singing the song for an audience took so much out of me, brought up memories of Travis, and when I finished I left the stage not even noticing how people had reacted. I think most people were either on their way out the door, or had already left anyway. I think I saw Adrijana accompanying Noelle on their way out. I half noticed Grace and her friends in the middle of the dance floor, they were standing around awkwardly as no music came and filled the void when I finished. Toby took me in his arms as I came off the stage, I'm sure it was written across my face exactly how I felt. He suggested we go back to my quarters.

On our way out the door, I asked Spiegel to see to it whatever was left of my blood wine made it back to my quarters when he was done with the party. As Toby guided me to my quarters, Adrijana called asking if she could drop off Delilah, and as she was already waiting by my quarters I gave her my access code so she wouldn't have to wait for me to arrive.

As Toby and I made it back to my quarters, I suggested he should probably leave the ship. He reminded me that his visitor pass doesn't expire until 0700 and said he didn't want to leave me alone. On one hand, I was annoyed that he wasn't listening to my directions, on the other hand, it felt nice to be reminded that someone who's still around cares. I think this was the first time in a long while that I shared a bed without having sex, as Toby just held me. Delilah even was being affectionate for once, and curled up next to us on the bed.

When the alarm went off at 0630, I managed to get Toby off without incident, and even indulged his curiosity about what I looked like in uniform because I figured I was going to need to be wearing it soon anyways, as I know I have to report somewhere when the ship's ready to depart. He gave me a tight hug as he left, and promised he'd check in with me once he got back to earth.

While I'd been seeing Toby off, Spiegel appears to have swung by with my blood wine. It looks like less of it had been drunk than I'd expected. So much for sharing, I suppose. We're due to depart soon, so I suppose I should find my post.

The party seems to be going well, outside the lack of good alcohol. I decided to run and grab my barrel of blood wine. Yeah, it'll leave me short until we make port somewhere and I can pick up some more, but what's a good party without some good blood wine?

Noelle seems to have a thing for that blue bastard, and other than being awkwardly lost on how to handle a human's attention, he seems to be doing her good. I suppose if I'm going to be her friend, I'll have to keep my mouth shut as to my true opinion of him. I suppose as long as I'm not expected to trust him to watch my back, I'll be fine.

I shouldn't leave Toby alone in the party too long, who knows what trouble he'll get into. After the incident during karaoke night at a bar in San Francisco, I'm almost afraid to take him anywhere anymore.

Adrijana just called me again. Apparently the surprise party for Noelle is sooner than I expected, and she needed to drop the cat off with me before keeping Noelle distracted. I'm expected to deliver the little fuzz ball to the party. Toby's not exactly happy, he was expecting more time with me. While talking to Adrijana over the com, I pulled up my personal messages, and found that the authorization had arrived for the cat. As was the standard, it was expected to get fixed once it was old enough, otherwise there were no conditions set for it. It was recommended that a tracking and identification device, like the one in Delilah, should be implanted, but it wasn't a requirement.

I told Adrijana I'd be back at my quarters shortly, and let her in remotely so she could just leave the kitten. I figure it should be fine for a short bit alone, especially since Delilah was still with Noelle.

When I suggested to Toby he should just crash the party, his mood improved, even if it was going to be a party full of Starfleet. It shouldn't be too hard to get a visitor's pass onto the ship, and it's been years since Toby was involved with anything that might cause Starfleet security to flag him as a problem. I think the only thing he got caught at was that night with that Admiral's daughter. That one still amuses me years later, and if there's a picture of the daughter in question in the file, I don't know of a single person attracted to the female form who'd blame him.

I'm not sure what recommended dress code is for the party, but I suspect it's likely uniform. Those things leave nothing to be creative with, but Toby's curious to see me in uniform. Other than my Academy graduation, he hasn't seen me in one. They've changed uniform style a couple times since then, and at least the mostly dark colors are more flattering that the bright splash of color across the chest in previous designs. I'm probably going to go in civillian clothes though, if Toby wants to see my uniform, I'm sure I'll have excuse to change into it before he leaves the ship when we're due to depart.

Mouse called to check with me about Adrijana, once she'd tracked him down, to see if I really knew her. Toby and I were a little involved when he called, and Toby only really stopped to let me grab my comm badge. Must say, continuing to have sex while trying to have a serious conversation and not tip off the conversation partner? Very sexy. I do think by the end of the conversation Mouse suspected something was up, but he did agree to help Adrijana out for me.

Later, as Toby and I were just sitting and talking, catching up, he asked me if I was finally playing nice with the other children on this new ship I was posted to. So I told him about running into Spiegel again, Toby remembered him and seems to like the guy. I also mentioned that Delilah was doing wonders for my popularity, except with the Andorian bastard who shot me in the back. Leave it to Toby to find amusement in my finding the one guy who'd happily drink with me, then turn around and shoot me in the back in the name of protecting me from myself.

While we were continuing to catch up, he told me about some of the more entertaining sex partners he'd had back on earth, I shot off a message about the authorization for the kitten Mouse was helping Adrijana find. Then Toby drug me back to bed, and I suspect we're not leaving it again until I get called back to the Takeda Shingen.

Leave it to Toby to pull a surprise out of his ass just when I least expected it. After he called last week to see about visiting next month, he managed to book a last minute flight off earth to 668, and he just arrived. Since I still haven't figured out when Takeda Shingen leaves, I told him that I couldn't guarantee how much time we'd have together, but he had me for however long I could get away with until we leave. He was still mildly disappointed, but knew there really wasn't much that could be helped.

Since I don't know what the visiting rules on the ship are, and frankly I'd rather not risk dragging Toby into the middle of whatever beef is developing between me and that blue skinned bastard, I'll spend my time over on 668 in whatever room Toby secures for his time there. I'll see if Noelle wants to cat sit on my way off the ship, and if she can't, I'm sure Spiegel will happily keep an eye on Delilah for me.

I just need to figure which figure of authority I should inform of my being off ship until we're ready to depart.

Toby finally calling and checking in with me has left me a little reflective upon the relationship we have. Relationship might be a bad word to use, as it's loaded with so many connotations that really don't apply. Yes, I love him, but it's almost like the love I feel for my brothers, and yes there is sex involved when he can get his sexy ass into the same star system as I'm in (if I wasn't in Starfleet and always told where to be and when, I would be willing to shoulder half the effort on that topic), but it's just sex, even if it's intensely satisfying sex. What I have with Toby is not even on the same plane as the relationship I had with Travis. Travis was... was explosive, intense, epic. Toby's just like that worn in pair of boots you've had for a decade and could never think of being without.

If someone asked me who my best friend is, I wouldn't even hesitate a millisecond before replying with Toby's name. Toby's the one who got me the job that introduced me to Travis, Toby's the person who picked me up when my first boyfriend took my virginity, then gave me a bull shit excuse about my mother scaring him to break up with me a week later. Toby awakened my sexual appetite, encouraged me when I was down and to be the best I could be regardless of what anyone else did or thought.

I suppose Toby would be the Sun in my life. Travis was a shooting star, shorter lived, making a greater impression upon my memory. Toby has been a mostly steady, supportive and constant force in my life, ultimately less noteworthy simply because I've grown used to him being there all the time.

A lot of people say that's what they're looking for in a mate. They want a best friend, they want the perfect sex. I have those two things together, but the thought of marrying Toby? It just doesn't occur to me. He and I have even talked about it before, he feels the same way. However, if I one day just called him up and said let's get married, he wouldn't let a moment pass before saying yes. He'd do anything for me, which is what makes it all the more weird that neither of us wish to marry. We're happy to be there for the other, have the freedom to do whatever else we wish, and there really isn't a need put it into a context anyone else assumes must be there.

Also, I can't picture him as a father. I'm not sure if I'd ever be a mother, but I really can not see him as a father. Everything else aside, there's an expectation of children in a marriage, even if it's not right away. So it doesn't feel right to marry someone who I can't see as a father, even if he's a perfect companion in every other way.

Well, dinner with Mouse went okay enough. He's hurt that I'm going away, but he seems more annoyed that I'm still playing with the various hacks and programs McKay littered the station with as he settled in and took advantage of being chief engineer. Mouse doesn't seem to understand that one has to take advantage of assets as they come, regardless of where they come from. Until McKay turned on me because of artistic differences, he saw us as a couple, I saw him as a toy, he was a good person to have on hand. Engineers are good like that, especially if they have any skill. I remember that Spiegel guy I served with on the Rothmore, he was pretty resourceful and he actually saw me for what I was and didn't expect anything more than friendship in return. Guy had good taste in liquor though, he always found the best at any planet we hit for shoreleave.

I did initiate the self destruct on McKay's porn harvesting program, and wiped the data haven. If I get assigned to a ship, I'm not going to be able to run a porn distribution network like before, and with McKay under arrest and likely to get nailed to the wall for murdering Jefferies, he's not going to need it anymore. Besides, he only wanted the program to build his own collection up with, I'm the one who suggested selling it, so I don't feel bad if I cripple his porn collecting efforts if he does manage to get out of the murder charges.

I think Delilah's starting to suspect change is coming, she's getting distant from me again. I'm not sure how she always can tell when we're moving before I do, but each time I've had a transfer since I got her, she's always gotten distant weeks before we were due to leave, even when no one had told me yet.

Oh, and who should call just as Mouse and I are getting into the best of it, but Toby. The bastard hadn't been able to make the time to visit me the whole year I was stuck out here, and he wants to come out next month. He was a little crest fallen when I explained what was going on and that I could be gone by then. Mouse was a little taken aback when I opened the comm channel without bothering to put any clothes on, and was even more confused when Toby started asking personal questions about our sex. When I finally assured Toby I'd call him back later, it was too late to salvage anything with Mouse that night. The kid can get shit done that most people would balk at, is quite the kinkster, but is bashful as all hell. Good thing he's at least okay with sharing his sex partners, I don't think I could handle another person green with envy over me.